The Full Spectrum
Volume 1 Issue 9 September 2005

In Focus: Conflict Management

Welcome

As school starts up again, I know a number of you battled with an internal conflict - otherwise known as guilt - about feeling so happy that your beloved children were back in school. The household battles about the amount of TV and video games have been replaced by conflict over homework times, appropriate attire and time out with friends. We experience conflict in all aspects of our lives. Our response to it varies with the territory - work, home, with friends, family (holidays are coming up - Rosh Hashanah, Ramadan and Thanksgiving are all in October - are you prepared?) or with colleagues. Thankfully at least one factor remains constant: us. We take our skills and tools for conflict resolution with us wherever we go. This month I encourage you to consider the tools you have, the beliefs and style of conflict management you employ in the various situations in your life, and to choose one skill you would like to hone. Here's to effective conflict resolution!

If you have a question or a story that you’d like to share with us, please drop us a line at Inquiries@kscopic.ca.

Conflict Management Through Self Awareness

Which of these statements do you believe to be true?

If I just let him/her have his/her way this will all blow over.
Conflict is a necessary part of daily work life.
Conflict can be managed constructively, as long as I do not have to do it.
Conflict is destructive and detrimental to teamwork.
Conflict is a sign of misunderstandings.
Conflict is not appropriate in the workplace.
If s/he did not push my buttons, we would not have conflict in this office.
Conflict can be resolved if we discuss it openly.
If we take time to manage conflict our productivity will decrease.

The workplace has historically ignored conflict situations, subscribing to the view that avoiding them makes them go away, and has relied on the blame game of placing responsibility for workplace conflict on one or two ‘troublemakers’.¹ The first belief above is evident if we consider how the four generations approach conflict. In general, Veterans^* shy away from it, while Millennials^* discuss it more openly. However, generational differences are merely one factor. Personality differences affect conflict resolution (look for next month’s article) and exposure to conflict resolution training makes a big difference as well. Creating a workplace culture that supports or even requires open conflict resolution is a proactive way to decrease time and resources currently being taken up by ongoing conflict situations.

Sometimes people shy away from conflict because of the beliefs, attitudes or prior experiences that they had, other times it is because they do not feel they have the tools to effectively resolve it. Openness about conflict is not a natural inclination for most of us. However, that is exactly what effective conflict resolution requires; hard work and a willingness to discuss conflict openly.

As a manager, how well can you articulate your view of conflict? Your conflict management style and your beliefs, attitudes and expectations about conflict impact – positively and negatively – your ability to effectively help others manage their conflict situations. Take time to reflect on your own beliefs and on how you may be communicating them to your team directly or indirectly. Seek opportunities, for example during 360° performance appraisals, for feedback on your conflict management skills. Provide occasions for staff to learn and practice new skills to help them manage their conflicts without third-party assistance. By putting conflict management on your team’s agenda, you begin to create a culture that supports and encourages the use of effective conflict resolution tools.

Self-awareness and skill development will help you manage conflicts either directly or as a third-party intervener, more confidently and competently. Hard work and openness about conflict create a workplace culture that encourages the constructive resolution of conflict situations.

Contact Kaleidoscopic today for information on conflict management workshops, coaching and other conflict resolution tools at Inquiries@kscopic.ca.

^*Veterans are currently the oldest generation in the workforce. Its members were born between 1922 and 1945, and conflict is generally not viewed as appropriate in the workplace. Millennials are the youngest generation just entering the workforce and are between the ages of five and twenty-four. They are more direct about conflict, having had exposure to conflict resolution skills in school from a very early age.

¹Conflict Mediation Services of Downsview

Word Games - I Messages

In a prior issue, we talked about the difference between I Statements and I Messages. To review this article, follow this link: May 2005. When used correctly I Messages are an excellent conflict resolution skill. They are such a practical and powerful tool and, by following a pre-set formula*, not too hard to construct. However, they can still present a bit of a struggle to compose in the moment. The error is often in the first part of the sentence. Consider the following two examples:

1) I find you disrespectful when you arrive late to the staff meeting because it’s disruptive and

takes us off track.

2) I find it frustrating when you arrive late to the staff meeting because it’s disruptive and

takes us off track.

The first sentence does not identify the speaker’s feeling or issue but rather places a judgement on the other person’s behaviour. The word ‘disrespectful’ is the speaker’s label of the other person’s action, which may receive a defensive reaction. However, in the second sentence, the speaker has identified the feeling that the lateness arouses in them. With a sentence that starts with the speaker talking about themselves, the other person is much more likely to hear the rest of the sentence and the impact that their behaviour had.

*Formula: 1) I feel / I find / It’s a concern for me… (name my emotion / feeling / issue) 2) when you… (name specific behaviour) 3) because… (name the impact that the behaviour had on me) 4) Pause to hear from the other person 5) In the future…(request for different response).

All of our newsletters are now available on our website at www.kscopic.ca/services/Archives.htm.

If you would like to help your team achieve peak performance, contact Kaleidoscopic at

416-238-7454 or send a note to Inquiries@kscopic.ca.

Next Month "In Focus" - Temperament Theory & Conflict Management Styles